一位继母的欢乐与哀愁

by Tina Boscha

I believe that stepparents have the secondhardest job there is， second only—and this is a close second—to parenting.

Its hard to say when I became a stepparent. Was it the time when I， not Dad， was nudged awake at 3：00 am by the youngest when she felt 1）nauseous？ Was it the first time I was called “Mom” by“accident”？ Or was it just a few weeks ago， when my husband and I officially married？ It wasnt the latter； I was Stepmom long before that. But the exact moment cant be 2）pinpointed. Stepparents dont have the 3）miraculous day of childbirth. Instead， they have the initial awkward meeting， where the kids avoid eye contact and stare all at the same time， and friends call immediately afterward to ask， “Howd it go？”

我认为继父母这项工作的挑战性仅次于，但也极其接近最艰难的工作——那就是尽父母之责，养育儿女。

要问我自己是何时成为继母的，这不好说。是在凌晨三点钟，当幺女感到恶心不适，将我，而不是她爸爸，推醒的那一刻吗？或是我第一次“意外地”被人称作“妈妈”的那一刻？或者是几周前，我和丈夫正式成为夫妻的时候？并不是后者，远在结婚前很长一段时间，我就已经成为继母了。但具体的时间无法准确阐明。继父母没有经历孩子出生的奇迹时刻。取而代之的是，他们会有初次与孩子们的尴尬会面，其间，孩子们躲避眼神接触，自始至终空瞪着，事后朋友们会马上打电话来问：“怎样，还好吧？”

People say my situation is lucky， but I think thats a response to the 4）stereotype of stepparents as selfish， uninterested， and threatened， or stepkids as hostile and 5）sullen. I have a great relationship with my stepdaughters， who call me both Tina and Mom， and weve decided that whatever name comes out first is okay. I have a warm relationship with their mother， who is always Mommy， but who respects the importance of my role. She calls us a team； together with my husband， we say we coparent.

This doesnt mean its easy. Its weird sometimes. When my husband went out of town on a weekend that was “ours，” I wondered， do I still have the kids？ Then I wondered， if he dies， what happens to me？ What happens to Stepmom？ Questions like these affirm my belief that stepparenting is extraordinarily difficult. Stepparentings role and expectations are 6）amorphous. I constantly wonder about the intensity of my feelings—love， fear， anger， frustration—and I ask myself， what if these girls were biologically mine？ How intense would my feelings be then？ Sometimes， I question if I dont feel enough. Ive decided to accept that these questions dont have answers. And in the end， I did have the kids that weekend.

I wipe away snot， worry about calcium intake， buy them new shoes every other week. I call in sick when the youngest has the flu （again）. I raise my voice and make them fold their laundry.

I get annoyed at too many questions and wish theyd go away， and five minutes later， smile at the energy they give our home with the silly dances they 7）choreograph and the extraordinarily strange ways they put clothes together.

I may not know just when I became a stepparent， but I do know that I will be one for the rest of my life. I am forever changed. I believe that my role as Stepmom is ill-defined and important and that the teenage years， just two years away， will try my patience in ways I cant yet imagine.

Bring it on.

人们说我的情况算幸运的，但我觉得那是他们对继父母存在成见，总以为继父母就是自私、冷漠、步步为营的，或者继子女就是充满敌意并且闷闷不乐的。我和我的继女们的关系很好，她们既叫我“蒂娜”也叫我“妈妈”，我们也都达成共识，喊哪个称呼都可以。我和她们的妈妈关系也不错，她们总是叫她“妈咪”，她也尊重我在这个家庭里的重要性。她称我们为一个团队；加上我的丈夫，我们则认为我们是共同抚养。

这并不意味着事情就很简单。有时候还是感觉怪怪的。有时候在本来属于“我们的”某个周末，丈夫要到外地去，我就会疑惑，孩子们还跟我吗？然后我还开始疑惑，如果丈夫去世了，我将怎么办？继母会遇到怎样的情况？诸如此类的问题使我更加肯定，当继母实在不易。继父母的角色和期望模糊不定。我时常怀疑自己感情（爱、恐惧、愤怒、沮丧）的强度，然后问自己，如果这些女孩是我亲生的，我又会怎样？我的感情会有多强烈呢？有时候，我怀疑自己是否感觉不够强烈。我决定要接受这个事实：这些问题是没有答案的。最后，那个周末，孩子们仍旧是我的孩子。

我给她们擦鼻涕，担心她们缺钙，每隔一周就为她们买新鞋子。当幺女染上流感时（不止一次了），我打电话请病假。我扯高嗓子，督促她们自己叠衣服。我为她们问个没完而感到厌烦，希望她们都走开，但五分钟后，看到她们跳着滑稽的自排舞蹈，穿着胡乱搭配起来的奇装异服，我又会因她们为这个家带来了活力而微笑起来。

我或许不知道自己是什么时候成了继母，但是我确实明白自己的余生都会是一个继母。我的人生被永远地改变了。我认为自己作为继母的角色不甚明确，同时也很重要，而且相信在两年之后，当孩子们进入青春期，我的耐心将会经受难以想象的考验。

放马过来吧！