YOU'VE GOT QUESTlONS，SHE'S GOT ANSWERS



YOU'VE GOT QUESTlONS，SHE'S GOT ANSWERS

（BUT YOU PROBABLY WON'T LlkE THEM）

I just graduated from university and am looking for a job，but it's so hard！ Any suggestions？

Amy Fang

I just made a huge mistake at work. Should I tell my boss？ I don't want to get fred！

Jobless Jason

Well， if you're a doctor， your patient's relatives will get to your before your boss does. 你疯了吗？（Nǐ fēng le ma？ Are you mad？） Never blame yourself when you can easily pin it on someone else： the intern， a low-level associate， your coworker， whoever. Do it like a 成功人士 （chénggōng rénshì，successful person）. Be aggressive， 指鹿为马 （zhǐ lù wéi mǎ，call a stag a horse， distort facts）. If you act with 自信 （zìxìn，confidence）， it doesn't matter if you are 错得离谱 （cuòde lípǔ， very wrong）， the world is full of 盲目的 （mángmù de， ignorant） people.

Why do you think China was so bad at the Olympics this year？

Ronnie Bout Rio

I am 出离愤怒 （chūlí fènnù， beyond outraged）！ I spent half of my earnings buying 体育彩票 （tǐyù cǎipiào， sports lottery） every month for the sole purpose of supporting our athletes （not for the money， you understand）， and how did they repay me？ By losing game after game—no！ Silvers and bronzes don't count. And they dare to act as if it's 小事一桩 （xiǎoshì yìzhuāng， no big deal）？ I say the lack of 动力 （dònglì， motivation） is the biggest problem.

Look at how hard the Russians and North Koreans tried！These spoiled kids nowadays just won't 吃苦 （chīkǔ， bear hardships） for their country.

What nonsense！ Back in the good old days， no one needed to apply for anything. You were 分配 （fēnpèi， assigned） to whatever post the country saw fit. I was a 光荣的 （guāngróng de， glorious） factory worker！ Certainly beats answering stupid emails. But， since you asked， have you tried to Photoshop the picture on the resume？ How else are you going to be noticed if you don't show a 漂亮脸蛋儿（piàoliang liǎndànr， pretty face）？ Also， include every single award you've gotten since kindergarten， even if it's just your primary school's ping pong contest， 多多益善 （duōduō yìshàn， the more the better）！ Many positions are reserved for male applicants because men are sexist pigs， so don't your waste time on those. Good luck not ending up a 啃老族 （kěnlǎozú，boomerang kid）.

As they say in Hangzhou，“Leifeng Pagoda is like an old monk， and Baochu Pagoda is like a beautiful woman （雷峰如老衲，保如美人）.” Leifeng Pagoda （above） can be found south of Hangzhou's famous West Lake， and the thinner Baochu Pagoda is located north of West Lake atop Baoshi Hill. Both were originally built in the tenth century.