善良慷慨，抑或出人头地？

Mari and Joel Barrera are your quintessential do-gooders. They both work in the public sector， volunteer at a soup kitchen and even picked their church because it was most committed to community service. They also say its a priority to raise their kids to be caring and contributing. Joel Barrera： Talk about your service project， Mila. Mila Barrera：Oh， so Im going to El Salvador this summer.

If she had to say whether her parents cared more about her being good or successful， 15-yearold Mila says itd be close， but shed say good. Her 13-year-old brother， James， doesnt hesitate. Jams Barrera： Successful.

How does he know？ Cause thats what his folks reward him for and nag him about most. Jams： Most of the pressure is on the school side.

For example， his parents let him quit the soup kitchen cause he didnt like it， but he gets no such pass on school work. Mila says she got dinner out when she got a B instead of a C， and grown-ups always light up when kids get into a great school instead of a good one.

Mila： Its like parents always say， like， it doesnt matter. But it does matter. And thats how you grow up—kind of like， oh， like， Harvard. And， like， I mean they want me to be successful.

Mila and James are typical of the more than 10，000 middle and high school students around the nation surveyed by a Harvard researcher. Eighty percent say their parents care more that theyre high achieving and happy than caring and good， even though for years parents have been telling researchers the opposite.

Harvard researcher Rick Weissbourd says parents dont realize how their everyday small acts speak louder than their words.

Rick Weissbourd： Its， you know， letting kids fudge about their community service in college applications， or its not requiring kids to reach out to a friendless kid on the playground. I dont think most parents are aware that these quiet day-to-day messages are， in many cases， drowning out other messages about caring and integrity and fairness.

Weissbourds study does not suggest any decline in kids morality. Indeed， Marvin Berkowitz， professor of character education at University of Missouri at St. Louis， doubts thats the case.

Marvin Berkowitz： There are quotes going back at least three or four thousand years in which adults lament that todays youth are the worst， morally， ever.

But still， Berkowitz says， it is troubling that for so many kids achievement trumps morality.

Berkowitz： Theres a great quote from Teddy Roosevelt in which he said “to educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.”

So-called character education is trendy in schools these days. Jesse Tang is principal of Central Queens Academy， a public middle school in New York focused on character and community， where students are recognized for things like kindness and teamwork—not just for straight As. But Tangs students who took part in the survey answered the same as the rest—that achievement is most important to their parents and their teachers.

Jesse Tang： It was eye-opening to see that achievement and kindness were so far apart. And so I think in terms of what our school is trying to do to buck certain mindsets or ways of thinking， certainly—we are kind of working against a lot of those influences.

Especially from colleges who may say they value community service. But， Tang says， kids know what really counts. Christoph Guttentag， dean of admissions at Duke University， says it only makes sense that academic institutions care most about grades. And anyway he says its hard to judge a kids kindness from an application. But， Guttentag says， colleges could do a little more to incentivize good character.

Christoph Guttentag： We have work to do in how we talk about what we value and making decisions consistent with what we say. It can have an impact on what students do but maybe not as much as we think.

Harvards Rick Weissbourd agrees. Ultimately it comes down to parents walking the walk and not just talking the talk. A hard thing to do， even for the most committed do-gooders like Mari and Joel Barrera.

Joel： Our main job as parents is to launch them into the world. And its very hard even to stay middle-class. You know， I just want her to be able to make her own way in the world.

The good news， Weissbourd says， is that teaching kids to be more mindful of others will also make them better collaborators at work. So besides being the right thing to do， he says， that might end up making kids more successful as well.

瑪丽和乔·巴雷拉是典型的行善者：他们都在公营部门工作，到流动厨房当志愿者，甚至连选择现在这家教堂也是因为它致力于社区服务。他们也说，教导自己的孩子关爱他人、贡献社会是首要任务。

乔·巴雷拉：米拉，说说你的服务计划。

米拉·巴雷拉：噢，今年夏天我会去萨尔瓦多（编者注：中美洲国家）。

如果一定要她说出父母更关心她成为一个好人还是当个成功人士，15岁的米拉说很接近，但她会说是当个好人。她13岁的弟弟詹姆斯则毫不犹豫地说——

詹姆斯·巴雷拉：当个成功人士。

他是怎么知道的呢？因为他的父母奖励和敦促他最多的就是这个。

詹姆斯：大部分压力和学习方面有关。

例如，他不喜欢流动厨房，父母就允许他不去，但在学业方面就不可能有这种待遇了。米拉说她拿到B而不是C的时候，父母会带她出去吃大餐；当孩子们考进一所优秀的学校而不仅仅只是好学校时，大人们总是喜出望外。

米拉：就好像是，父母总说没关系，但其实关系可大了。那就是你成长的环境——有点像，噢，哈佛。我的意思是，他们希望我能出人头地。

哈佛大学一名研究员针对全美一万多所中学的学生做了一项调查，米拉和詹姆斯就是当中的典型例子。80%的人说，相对有爱心和品行端正，父母更关心他们是否取得较高成就以及是否快乐——尽管多年来，父母对研究人员说的正好相反。

哈佛研究员里克·韦斯伯德说，父母没有意识到自己每天的细小行为比话语更有分量。

里克·韦斯伯德：你知道，这些行为包括让孩子敷衍应付大学申请上写的社区服务，或者不要求孩子对游乐场那个孤单的孩子伸出援助之手。我觉得，家长没有意识到每天这些无声的信息，在很多情况下掩盖了其他关于关爱、正直和公平的信息。

韦斯伯德的研究并没有显示孩子们的道德品行有所下降。确实，（美国）圣路易斯市密苏里大学品德教育教授马文·伯科威茨对此说法（孩子们的道德品行有所下降）表示怀疑。

马文·伯科威茨：早在三四千年前就有人引述说，大人们哀叹当时年轻人的道德品行是有史以来最糟糕的。

然而，伯科威茨说，这么多孩子认为成就胜过品德，确实令人担忧。

伯科威茨：泰迪·罗斯福曾说过一句伟大的名言，他说“教育一个人的心智而不教好他的品德，将会为社会教出一个祸害”。

近来，所谓的性格教育在校园里很流行。杰西·唐是中央皇后区学校的校长。这所位于纽约的公立中学侧重性格和团队精神的培养，学生会因善心和团队合作——而不只是拿到全优而受到表扬。但在唐的学生当中，参加该项调查的学生给出的回答和其他人一样——对于家长和老师而言，成就才是最重要的。

杰西·唐：看到成就和善良差那么远，真是令人吃惊。所以我认为，我们学校现在正在做的，就是试图扭转某些思维模式或想法，当然了，我们相当于要和很多那方面的影响背道而行。

尤其是来自那些说他们重视社区服务的大学（的影响）。然而，唐说，孩子们知道什么才是真正重要的。杜克大学招生办主任克里斯托夫·古腾塔说，学術机构最关心成绩再合理不过。总之，他说很难从申请表判断学生的善良程度。然而，古腾塔说，大学可以多做点工作，激励学生培养良好的性格。

克里斯托夫·古腾塔：在讨论我们的价值理念以及做出与我们的想法一致的决策方面，我们还有工作要做。它可以对学生的行为有一定影响，但效果不一定如我们所愿。

哈佛的里克·韦斯伯德同意这个观点。归根到底，还是要家长付诸行动，而不能只说不干。即使对于像玛丽和乔·巴雷拉这样乐善好施的人，也不是易事。

乔：作为家长，我们的主要工作就是为他们步入社会做好准备。要他们保持中产阶级的水平都很不容易了。你知道，我只是希望她能在社会立足。

韦斯伯德说，好消息是，教育孩子多关心别人也可以让他们在工作中和别人合作得更好。所以，他说，关心别人除了是正确的事情，最终还可能让孩子更加成功。