死也要活下去

江琳琳

In the summer of 2018， a film called Dying to Survive became a phenomenon， reaping both box office success and critical acclaim.1 But this is a film that scares me， because it brings me lots of unhappy memories.

The coldness of the hospital， the pungent smell of disinfectants， the jaundiced faces， the striped pajamas…everything seems so familiar.2 This is not a fictional world； this is what I have experienced.

My father was hospitalized two years ago. In those days， he had to have pleural puncture3 regularly. In the beginning， the doctor who did the puncture was a sturdy4 woman. Supersized syringe in hand， beady sweats covering her forehead， she tried very hard to make what she did look not so intimidating.5 The doctor allowed us family members to stay in the ward6 while she was doing the puncturing， so we tried to make ourselves useful. Mother held fathers hand， and talked very soothingly to him， trying to divert his attention from the doctors scary syringe， and I was holding a clean water bottle， which would hold the pleural fluid drawn from fathers chest.7 Then， I would take the big bottle of bloody fluid to be analyzed. At such moments， I was always nervous， hoping for the best and also expecting the worst. The bottle is both repulsive and endearing，8 carrying both hope and fright. In the following days， I was not allowed in the ward， and naturally， what was happening inside was becoming more frightening. I had to take a peek from time to time through a slit between the doors. All I could see was father biting a piece of gauze9 with several sweaty doctors busy around him.

作此文時，正值2018年夏，电影《我不是药神》如火如荼上映。一时间，呼朋唤友去看“药神”，成了理所当然的事；但对我来说，去看“药神”，却需要极大勇气，因为，它必然勾起那段很痛的回忆。冰冷的医院走廊、刺鼻的消毒水味道，还有一张张蜡黄消瘦的脸……

In the film， Lv Shouyi， a terminal CML patient， is at deaths door because of the lack of affordable medication， and has to receive very painful treatment on a daily basis.10 “Debriding time！”11 With these words， the nurse removes Lvs blanket， revealing an enormous opening in his side. While the nurse is working on the hideous opening， Lv screams like a fatally wounded desperate wolf.12 I was wondering if father had suffered the same amount of pain， and if father would scream like Lv when mother and I were not by his side. Father never told us what happened inside the ward， maybe because he did not want us to be scared.

During those days， my father was transferred13 several times； seeing doctors shaking their heads always made me shudder. Father had to take IV injections14 from morning till night. In winter， the icy fluid was perpetually15 filling fathers warm body， chilling him to the bones. I was witnessing father emaciating16 day by day， and in the end he was too weak to even take a bite of food. In those days， father tried to talk to me whenever he had a little bit of strength， as if he had realized that he did not have much time in this world. To make things worse， fathers brother died， and in his last days， he could not eat anything either. We tried to hide the news from father， but he got to know it anyway. He did not say anything.

In those days， life was IV injections， CT scans17， and lots of pills. The medical bills the nurse handed me were like lengthy essays in school. And we had to make new payments almost every day. Pills of all sizes and fluids of all colors were consumed， while piles and piles of pink banknotes were fed into that small opening in the window， behind which sat those people in white coats， who had grown callous physically and mentally.18 Dying to survive！ Yes！ In order to hold onto your beloved ones， you will pay， and you must pay， even if it means you will be crashed by heavy debts. In those days， I swore， I would work hard to give father and mother the best.

After over a years hospitalization， father could finally come home. But recovery was very slow. In the first three months out of the hospital， he had to take IV injections from time to time. Later， things got better. All he had to do was taking all kinds of pills， which lasted for about a year.

Now， while I am writing these words， father is making his famous “roast pork” in the kitchen， and mother is watching her favorite soap opera. Life as usual.

HAPPY！

1. Dying to Survive： 電影《我不是药神》；reap：获得；box office： 票房；critical acclaim：高度评价。

2. 冰冷的医院、刺鼻的消毒水味、蜡黄的脸，还有条纹病号服……一切都是那么熟悉。pungent： 刺鼻的；disinfectant： 消毒水；jaundiced： 患黄疸病似的，这里指病人们面容蜡黄的。

3. pleural puncture： 胸腔穿刺。

4. sturdy： 健硕的。

5. 手里握着超大号针管，即使豆大的汗珠从额头不断渗出来，她也尽力让自己所做的看起来没那么恐怖。syringe： 注射器；beady： 珠子般的；intimidating： 令人紧张不安的，吓人的。

6. ward： 病房。

7. soothingly： 安慰地；pleural fluid： 胸腔积液。

8. repulsive： 令人厌恶的；endearing： 讨人喜欢的。

9. gauze： 纱布。

10. 电影中，吕受益是慢性粒细胞白血病晚期，由于负担不起昂贵的药物，挣扎在死亡的边缘，痛苦治疗的煎熬成为家常便饭。terminal： 晚期的；CML： 慢性粒细胞白血病（chronic myelogenous leukemia）；medication：药物治疗。

11. “清创时间！”debride： 清理（伤口）。

12. 护士们在处理这骇人的伤口时，吕如受了致命伤的绝望的狼，发出阵阵惨叫。hideous：可怕的。

13. transfer： 转院。

14. IV injection： 静脉注射。

15. perpetually： 连续不断地。

16. emaciate： 消瘦下去，衰弱下去。

17. CT scan： 拍CT，即计算机断层扫描（computed tomography scan）。

18. 一沓一沓的粉色钞票被喂进窗户的小洞里，换来大大小小的药丸和颜色各异的液体，洞里坐着身心都日渐冰冷的白大褂们。pink banknote： 粉红色的纸钞，指百元大钞；callous：无情的，冷漠的。