温和地走进孤独

夕臾

My first memory about the starry sky was inextricably1 accompanied by the warm summer breeze. In the yard I was lying on the rocking chair cooled by my grandpas waving palm-leaf fan， which lulled me into dreams with the comforting smell of Nature.2 No little elf3 would ever dare to scramble onto my brows and breathe blue stories to me， so the stages of my adventures were always colored with peaceful paint. The starry sky served as the curtain that rose gently before the drama. Utterly ignorant of my own existence， neither did I have any idea what solitude was.

As I was getting older， the starry sky no longer settled for the role of simply marking the commencement4 of something visionary. It began to make the stage for itself. At first the stars caught my attention merely by chance， but soon the shimmering patterns on the vast dome above began to make sense.5 The brightest one was the Pole Star. The W-shaped constellation was Cassiopeia.6 I was also able to make numerous different artistic pieces out of the random combinations. Finally， there was something that kept me spellbound7. With love and reverence8 for all， I lived and appreciated without any hint of solitude.

When I was old enough to reach the bookshelf， the stars gradually faded from sight. I started the exploration in the kaleidoscopic9 world that was completely strange to me. Even in the fairy tales， people were in perpetual conflict as their only concern was writing their own stories. Some reveled in holding others in bondage and felt justified enjoying the profits their hostages produced.10 Others indulged in the shadowy muddle and evaded so unaffectedly from all the responsibilities.11 I had thought all those creations were just in pages， but it later turned out that the real world also showed little sign of tolerance and inclusivity as displayed in the starry sky. Everyone had been isolated. The unprecedented feeling of solitude struck me like a doomed lightening stroke.

本文成文于筆者大二暑假，灵感来自阅读爱默生的《论自然》（Nature）一文和罗素自传的前言《我为何而生》（Three Passions I Have Lived for）。标题化用自英国诗人迪伦·托马斯的《不要温和地走进那个良夜》（Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night）及《论自然》的开篇第一句：To go into solitude， a man needs to retire as much from his chamber as from society.

In my post adolescence， I have unwillingly found out the fact that we were born with solitude and never able to get rid of it. Yet solutions prevail and vary among people. Cowards hide it with head in the sand. Martyrs12 carry it into their tombs. But none of the human relationships， contractual or consanguineous，13 can make the cure for it， and nor are they from our free will. Most of the time， we are unwittingly14 forced to play certain roles without any substantial involvement. And if we delved too deep into the roles， life would become such an illusion of predestined segments.15 Would solitude really vanish16 if what was left were just several solitary souls locked by an illusory embrace？ No. We would still be completely alone and isolated because of our everlasting burning desire for freedom， but perhaps accidentally， freedom means solitude.

Now it is high time that solitude should be accepted wholeheartedly， for it does not offer me a fools paradise， but exhorts me to reflect on humanity， to sustain the craving for knowledge，17 and to draw a distinction between good and evil so I shall not get lost in the mysterious fog we call opportunity or temptation. Thats when I realize it necessary to go into solitude， the very magic that has been lulling me to dreams under the starry sky since the summer night when I was too little to realize it. And I will go gentle， for I am not intended to make another bondage-holder or muddlehappy soul.

1. inextricably： 密不可分地，緊密相连地。

2. rocking chair： 摇椅；palm-leaf fan： 芭蕉扇；lull： 使入睡，使安静。

3. elf： 小精灵。

4. commencement： 开始，开端。

5. shimmering： 闪闪发光的；dome： 穹顶。

6. constellation： 星座；Cassiopeia：仙后座。

7. spellbound： 入迷的，出神的。

8. reverence： 尊敬，崇敬。

9. kaleidoscopic： 千变万化的，万花筒似的。

10. 一些人陶醉于束缚他人，心安理得地享受他人创造的利益。revel in： 陶醉于，着迷于；hostage： 人质。

11. 而另一些则纵情于阴暗的泥淖，自发地逃避所有责任。indulged in：（使自己）沉湎于；shadowy：幽暗的；muddle： 混乱，杂乱；unaffectedly： 自然地。

12. martyr： 烈士，殉道者。

13. contractual： 契约的 consanguineous： 血缘的。

14. unwittingly： 不知不觉地。

15. delve： 探究，钻研；predestined： 命定的。

16. vanish： 消失不见。

17. fools paradise： 虚幻的幸福；exhort： 激励，敦促；craving： 渴望，渴求。