翻译擂台

上期题目

褪去了春夏的躁动,秋天更加朴实无华,各地的秋景有别,但都恬静宜人,透着收获的喜悦。

不逢北国之秋,已将近十余年了。在南方每年到了秋天,总要想起陶然亭的芦花,钓鱼台的柳影,西山的虫唱,玉泉的夜月,潭柘寺的钟声。在北平即使不出门去吧,就是在皇城人海之中,租人家一椽破屋来住着,早晨起来,泡一碗浓茶,向院子一坐,你也能看得到很高很高的碧绿的天色,听得到青天下驯鸽的飞声。从槐树叶底,朝东细数着一丝一丝漏下来的日光,或在破壁腰中,静对着像喇叭似的牵牛花的蓝朵,自然而然地也能够感觉到十分的秋意。

摘选自郁达夫《故都的秋》

赵亦周外交学院英语系

It has been more than a decade since I last saw the autumn in Peiping. Upon the arrival of every autumn during my stay in the South, it would always come to my mind of the Taoran Pavilion with its reed catkin, the Fishing Terrace with shady willows, the West Mountain with the chirping insects, the Yuquan Spring in the moonlight, and the Tanzhe Temple resonating with chimes. Even if you do not go around a lot and could only stay in a shabby rental house in the bustling imperial city, you can still, on getting up at dawn, leisurely take a seat in the courtyard, sipping a cup of strong tea, and look up at the high azure sky while listening to the pigeons overhead. Closely observe gleams of light to the east under the locust trees, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blossoms of morning glories curling up along the dilapidated walls, you will be overwhelmed with a deep feeling of autumn.

这篇译文较为忠实原文,行文流畅。但是有个别语法错误和用词不妥的地方需要注意。首先,最后一句并列使用三个谓语,建议改成“Whether you closely observe the gleams of light to the east under the locust trees, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blossoms of morning glories curling up along the dilapidated walls, you will be overwhelmed with a deep feeling of autumn.”其次,“出门”译成“go around a lot”虽然不错,但是不够地道,如果译成“wander around”更能体现leisurely的意思。第三,“总是想起”亦可用“bring to mind”表达触景生情的那层意思。

另外,“the Fishing Terrace with shady willows”里“shady”前应该加上“its”; 因为中文里是“蓝朵” ,“blossoms”前应加“blue”修饰。郁达夫文章里的陶然亭指的是陶然亭公园,根据官方译法,应该是“Tao Ran Park”,以下两篇译文存在同样的问题。

汪益重庆市石柱中学高中部

It is nearly a decade since I last time saw autumn in the North. In the South the arrival of each autumn always reminds me of Tao Ran Ting with its reed catkins, Diao Yu Tai with its shady willows, West Hills with its chirping insects, Yu Quan Mountain on a moonlight evening and Tan Zhe Si with its resounding bell. Suppose you rent a humble house in the bustling imperial city of Peiping, on getting up in the morning, you can sit in your courtyard enjoying a cup of strong tea, leisurely watch the high blue skies and listen to pigeons circling overhead. Stand eastward under locust trees to observe streaks of sunshine filtering through their leaves, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blue flowers of morning glories climbing up a dilapidated wall, and an intense feeling of autumn will itself strike you.

译文整体不错,但个别地方表达不够贴切。“It is nearly a decade since…”没有表达出“近十余年”的意思,与中文有出入。我们可以说“in the moonlight”,但“on a moonlight evening”就不够地道了,应改为“on a moonlit evening”。

最后一句犯了语法错误,谓语stand和watch没有主语,而且英语里没有“stand eastward”的说法,可以改成“facing east”。这句修改后就是“When you stand under the locus trees, facing east, to observe streaks of sunshine filtering through their leaves, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blue flowers of morning glories climbing up a dilapidated wall, an intense feeling of autumn will strike you.”同样是这句,省去itself还是可以表达“自然而然”的意思,无须追求汉英里字字对应。

译文整体不错,但个别地方表达不够贴切。“It is nearly a decade since…”没有表达出“近十余年”的意思,与中文有出入,应该译为 “more than a decade”。 “on a moonlight evening”不够地道,应改为“on a moonlit evening”,但也可以说成“in the moonlight”。

最后一句犯了语法错误,谓语stand和watch没有主语,而且英语里没有“stand eastward”的说法,可以改成“facing east”。这句修改后就是“When you stand under the locus trees, facing east, to observe streaks of sunshine filtering through their leaves, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blue flowers of morning glories climbing up a dilapidated wall, an intense feeling of autumn will strike you.”同样是这句,省去itself还是可以表达“自然而然”的意思,无须追求汉英里字字对应。

杨龙北京理工大学珠海学院外语学院

It is almost ten years since I last enjoyed autumn of the North. Even in the South, each autumn would always remind me of the reed flowers blooming around Taoran Pavilion, the shady willow trees swaying near Diaoyutai, the insects chirping over the Western Hills, the moon hanging above the Jade Springs and the chimes ringing from Tanzhe Temple. In Peiping, imagine you are dwelling in a rented shabby house amid the packed Imperial City. When you are up every morning, you may sit back in the courtyard with a cup of strong tea at hand and, without walking outdoors, see an azure sky high above and hear pigeons flapping across. Right under locust trees, you may turn eastward and observe the rays of sunlight filtering through leaves, or trumpet-shaped blue petals of morning glories creeping half way up a worn wall. And all leads to a feel of autumn pervading the air.

这篇译文还是很不错的。但有几处表达不准。首先,同上篇犯了同样的错误,“十余年”译文不准。第二,“北国之秋”可以说“autumn of the North”,然而“不逢北国之秋”因为有主语和谓语的关系,改为“I last enjoyed autumn in the North”更符合英语逻辑。第三,“早晨起来”译成be up的形式欠妥,因为英语里be up不仅仅表示起床,用get up更精准些。第四,“即使不出门去”译成“without walking outdoors”欠妥。坐在自家的院子里,在中国人看来还是没有outdoors;但在西方人眼里,yards已经outdoors了。所以,可以说“without leaving your house”。

另外,需要注意冠词的使用,比如应该是under the locust trees、through the leaves。

下期题目

有人生活清寒贫苦,却依然苦中作乐,没有被世俗压弯了脊背,这样坦荡超然的生活态度值得为世人尊敬。

清贫,也就是贫而不贱,且有一股自重自尊的清气。这种人穷则穷矣,然尊严所在,绝不容人轻视贬抑半分,不食嗟来之食,不以媚色示人,任何人见他,都还得敬他三分。幼年在台,成年在港,我都曾见过不少这种清贫寒士,或者是朝气勃勃的菜园老农,或者是精神抖擞的焊铁工人。他们面目明朗,好像自己正在干一件天下间顶重要的事似的。

摘选自梁文道博文

参与方式:

1. 直接登陆双语时代官网(www.bbtime.com.cn)于双语时代电子版块 “最新杂志互动活动”在线投稿;

2. 发邮件至contribution@bilingualtime.com

奖品提示:

作品被选登的读者将获得当期杂志一本,网站注册用户还将获赠积分!

注:为了达到点评效果,本刊未对获奖译文进行改动。