A Good Laugh

愿变父亲

一富翁呼负债人到家，吩咐说：“你们如果赤贫无还，可对我发誓，愿来生如何偿还，我就焚券不要。”

欠少人曰：“我愿来生变马，与主人骑坐，以还宿债。”

翁点头，将借帖烧了。

又中等欠户曰：“我愿来生变牛，代主人出力，耕田耙地，以还宿债。”

翁点头，亦将借帖烧了。

最后一债多人曰：“我愿来生变你的父亲还债。”

翁大怒曰：“你欠我许多银子，除不偿还，反要讨我便宜，是何道理？”

正要打骂，其人曰：“听我实告：我所欠的债极多，不是变牛变马就可以还得完的。我所以情愿来生变你的父亲，劳苦一世，不顾身命，积成偌大的田房家业，自己不肯享用，尽数留与你快活受用，岂不可以还你的宿债么？”

吹牛

甲乙二人相遇，各有恼怒之色。

乙问甲曰：“请问兄面上为何有怒色？”

甲曰：“我虽身居中国，耳却能听万里。我方才静坐中，因听见西天有一个和尚，在那里诵经，我嫌聒噪，喝住他莫诵，那和尚不睬我，不肯住，我一时间怒起，就将一座须弥山拿在手里，当一石块掼去撞他。谁知那和尚，值山坠来的时候，他只把眼睛一眨，将手抹一抹，口里说曰：‘哪里飘来的砂灰，几乎眯了我的眼睛。’说完仍旧去诵经，究竟不曾打着他丝毫，叫我无法治他，岂不可恼？”

因问乙曰：“你也着恼，却是为何？”

乙曰：“昨日有一客到我家来，无物款他，提了一蚊虫，破开蚊虫的肚腹，取了蚊子的心肝，用刀切作一百二十块，下锅炒熟奉他。岂知那客人吃下肝去，噎在咽喉里不上不下，只说我肝切大了，怨恨着我。而今还睡在我家里哼个不住，岂不可恼？”

甲曰：“哪有这等小咽喉？”

乙曰：“你既然有这等听西天的远耳朵，能容须弥山的大眼睛，难道就不许我有这等噎蚊子心肝的小咽喉么？”

骑马败家

有一人极贫，将破酒瓮做床脚。一晚，夫妻同睡，梦见拾得一锭银子。

夫妻商议，将此银经营几年，该利息许多，可以买田，可以造屋。一旦致富，就可买官，但既然富贵，须要出入骑马，只是这马，我从不会骑惯，因对妻曰：“你权当作马，待我跨上来一试何如？”

不觉跨重了，将破酒瓮翻倒了，床铺同身子一齐都倒在地上。夫妻嚷闹不已。

邻人问之，妻应曰：“我本好好的一个人家，只为好骑马，把家业都骑坏了。”

（摘自《中国古代民间故事长编·清代卷》浙江大学出版社）

I Wish to Become Your Father

A wealthy landowner received his debtors to his home,explaining to them how to repay their debts.“Should thou be destitute and unable to repay thine debts,pledge to repay me in the next life and I shall willingly burn thine debenture notes.”

The man with the lesser debt said,“I wish to be a horse in my next life,and be ridden by my master to repay my debts from this life.”

The landowner nodded and thus his debenture notes went up in a puff of smoke.

The debtor with a middling amount of debt said,“I wish to become an ox in the next life,to work for my master ploughing the fields as a means with which to repay my debts from this life.”

The landowner nodded and took a match to his debenture notes.

Finally,a man with excessive debt said,“I wish to become your father in the next life to repay my debts.”

This comment drew the ire of the landowner,“Thou owest me a great deal of silver,knave! And thou knowst full good and well that failure to repay me is out of the question,thus thou wishest to engage in this charade as a means to take advantage of me.Is this not thy meaning?”

The landowner was just about to have the man scolded and beaten for such impudence when the debtor implored him,“I beg of thee to listen sire.The money I owe is nearly immeasurable.It is not something that could be repaid by the mere act of becoming a work horse or a plough ox.Hence,I wish to become your father.To toil away for my entire life with never a thought paid to my own needs.To amass a great fortune of land and property,none of which shall I dare enjoy for even a day in my life.And then to leave it—the whole lot of it—to thee,my heir,for thine own personal joy and leisure.I pray thee sire,is this not enough to repay my debts from this life?”

Preposterous Puffery

Two men met perchance upon the road.Curiously,each of them seemed angry.

The second man inquired of the first,“Wherefore thou appearest so vexed,sire?”

The first man retorted,“Though I reside in the Middle Kingdom of China,my ears can hear the goings on ten thousand miles away.Whilst I was sitting here serenely,it so happened that I perceived a monk under the Western Heaven chanting the scriptures incessantly.I complained of the noise and shouted for him to cease,but he paid no mind to me.He was simply unwilling to stop.Presently I became infuriated and picked up Mount Sumeru and threw it in his direction.Who could have known that,just at the very moment that the mountain hit him,the monk would blink,rub his eyes and say,‘The wind has whipped up some dust that nearly got stuck in my eye.’ With this remark,he just went on with his chants.As I was unable to perturb him in the slightest,I’m afraid thou wilt have to regard me as powerless to control him.Pray tell good sir,who would not be irate under the circumstances?”

After these words,he asked the second man,“What stirred thou to anger then?”

The second man replied,“A guest paid a visit to my home yesterday,but there was nothing with which I could entertain him.So,I picked up a mosquito,slit open its thorax and removed its liver,which I cut into one hundred and twenty equal sections with a blade.I promptly fried the liver and respectfully served it to him.Who could have guessed the guest would nibble the liver and get stuck in his throat.He lamented that the liver had been cut into too large of pieces and that he despised me for it.As a matter of fact,he is still staying with me and clearing his throat incessantly.The noise is driving me mad! Who wouldn’t find such a thing vexing?”

The first man asked,“But who in the world could have such a small throat?”

To which the second man replied,“Being that thou hast ears to hear all the way to the Western Heaven and canst pick up the whole of Mount Sumeru in thine hand,is it not fitting that I should serve mosquito liver minced into one hundred twenty pieces to a tiny-throated guest?”

Lose a Fortune for Horse Riding

There was a pauperous fellow who brought home an empty wine jug that he used to make a bed stand.One night,as he and his wife slept,he dreamt that he found a purse full of silver by the roadside.

The next morning he recounted his dream to her and asked what they should do with the money if they ever really came into a fortune.The two of them decided that investing it and using the profits years later to purchase land on which they could build a cottage would be the best choice.And once they became wealthy,they would buy a title.Though,riches such as those would necessitate riding a horse for transportation,something to which the man was highly unaccustomed.So,he said to his wife,“You pretend to be a horse,and I’ll mount your back and try to ride you for practice,okay?”

As the man got onto her back,he unconsciously swung his leg over to the other side of her like one would when saddling up on a real horse.He landed hard on top of her with a thud,and all his weight on her back,causing her to topple the wine jug,which then caused the bed to go crashing to the floor.Upon seeing their prized possessions ruined,the man and the woman got into a knock-downdrag-out fight.

The neighbors heard the racket and knocked on the walls asking them what was wrong.The wife yelled through the walls,“I’m a good wife I am,just that I lost our family fortune trying to be a good horse.”

(FromThe Complete Volume of Ancient Chinese Folk Tales:Qing Dynasty,Zhejiang University Press.Translation:Chase Coulson)